TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally away from put. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have another spot where by American Guys can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide All people a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from House, a attribute currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In case you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting focus from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage can even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post Trump Tower Damascus about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down company."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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